unguided tour

All my life I have been a poor go-to-sleeper. People in trains, who lay their newspaper aside, fold their silly arms, and immediately, with an offensive familiarity of demeanor, start snoring, amaze me as much as the uninhibited chap who cozily defecates in the presence of a chatty tubber, or participates in huge demonstrations, or joins some union in order to dissolve in it. Sleep is the most moronic fraternity in the world, with the heaviest dues and the crudest rituals. It is a mental torture I find debasing. … I simply cannot get used to the nightly betrayal of reason, humanity and genius. No matter how great my weariness, the wrench of parting with consciousness is unspeakably repulsive to me. I loathe Somnus, that black-masked headsman binding me to the block… (Vladimir Nabokov, Speak, Memory)

I’m sorry you feel that way. Try and look at it with my eyes.

You don’t know me. But you know of me. You don’t invite me into your house. So I visit you in your sleep. You don’t love me. But you desire me, sometimes. You need me. But you’re too embarrassed to admit it.

I’m not who you think I am. I’m not your sleep Nazi, your Stasi dream spy, the MacCarthy of the unconscious. I don’t betray and I don’t kill. I’m not the messenger of bad news. I don’t possess superior knowledge of your future.  I don’t demonstrate and insinuate. I’m not the problem. Freud, Jung, Lacan — they are your acquaintances, not mine.

I’ll treat you gently. You have nothing to fear. I sing to you in my sweetest voice, dance for you, act for you. I’ll be who you urge me to be. I can make you laugh, I can make you cry. My performances are sublime, some say uncanny. I’m your secret wish fulfilled. Rely on me, I’m discreet. More discreet than you will ever be. No one can know about our affair.

I don’t care about your sexual preferences or how much money you make. You don’t bother with the correct pronunciation of my name or where I come from.

Intimate strangers, that’s who we are.

Tags: mythology, ovid

Posted: October 20th, 2009